Anger Management

Author note: I have been sitting on this post for a while, just kind of hoping this would all go away. I really wanted to come up with a calculated solution where I could just write a "happy" ending to this...

I have this app on my phone, Co-Star. It gives me a phrase for the day and some things to do or not to do. It's just a fun app that makes me think. Today was no different, the phrase for today is, "Stop chasing happiness by trying to avoid sadness. Let them exist together", and on the to do side was this phrase - dear diary. So, here I am...

Dear Diary,

What does one do when they are holding onto so much anger? How do you work through it when you get too upset to talk about it? I have realized I'm holding onto so much anger about so many different things. How do you move past it all?

The first thing that comes to mind is forgiveness. But, what if I'm not ready to forgive or even be forgiven? Is this the only way past the anger? To really be free of it and move through it? I have written so much about hurt and ways to heal...but what's it all for if I can't work through all this anger?

I am angry over multiple things that have happened.

I am angry that they've changed me to look for people's angles rather than their goodness.

I am angry that it changed fundamental parts of me, that I trusted first and now I'm skeptical.

I am angry that I lost parts of my core that I loved.

I am even angry that I can't seem to move past this and all I want to do is move on.

I am angry that I struggle to accept this. And, I am tired of the mask I wear to make it seem like nothing is wrong.

I wrote this first in my journal months ago, I thought I'd add to it and jot it down here. Re-type to process but it's weird - I still feel the pressure in my chest as I type the words. I still make up scenarios in my head where I get to say what I want, where I get to express my pain, where I get to forgive and be forgiven. Spinning in this overthinking phase and all I end up doing is just reliving the hurt. Creating more hurt with made-up scenarios and just digging deeper into anger.

See...I have discovered that there is no way around this but through it. I am the only one who can take care of this for me. I read somewhere that forgiving in silence and never speaking of it again is a form of self-care. But what if I'm not ready to forgive, no one can silence the inside voice that echoes in my head...on repeat...on the daily.

Just sitting in this space of you never believed me, were we ever close, why don't I matter, why can't you hear what I'm saying, how the fuck did I get here? It's a weird, strange place to be. There is no point in holding onto it all. It serves no positive purpose. So why can't I just let it go?!

A little personal hell. A roller coaster of thoughts - tossing between letting it go and crying till it hurts because of...anger. A state of still shedding the old to make room for the new and I have this skin of anger still stuck on me. I often wonder when things will feel normal again, where things will flow. When will life feel natural and...easy? I just can't seem to shake it loose.

I'm telling myself that this acceptance of the magnitude of anger I feel is too new to easily shake loose. Like I have to sit in this state longer to understand it more and file it away in a brain cabinet before it can be gone. It kind of feels like standing on the edge of a cliff sometimes, never really knowing what will push me off the edge to get into this "state" of dismissive behaviour where this anger just sits waiting to catch me when I fall.

Each fall shortens the distance between the edge and anger, making it faster to get to that point. When you just feel like you're walking on eggshells every day. You're tip-toeing around yourself to make sure that the self-talk is positive and you don't trip on your or anyone else's words - every interaction is Russian roulette.

What's the answer, do I go to a rage room and just let it all out breaking things, do I change my phone number to have a feeling of starting fresh, do I delete all social media? Do I step back from things and people that give me triggers until I can figure this all out?...Or is that just running away? I can't go back to talk therapy, realized that doesn't really solve anything for me. So what is it?!

It really is a gross feeling though and I just don't want to be in this space, this anger skin, anymore.

I feel like anger is such a big emotion that describes too many things. Maybe if I broke it down I can digest it? Hurt, lack of boundaries, dismissal, worthlessness, disappointment...I think the list could go on. And I circle back to what is the point of rehashing it all. I've looked at previous posts and writing in my journal and it's all the same thing over and over. So, why am I still trying to break it down?

Spending all this time thinking about this skin has slowly started to show me the source. The idea of being silenced and not seen shows up for me in so many ways and so many times. We're often taught at a young age to repress our emotions and expressions of ourselves. Guilt and shame come from being taught to be as quiet as a church mouse. I know I have written about this before. My Sweet Marie story is all about this and one time when this showed up for me. But, is that even it? Is that all of it? Is that the reason why this anger won't go away, the root of my anger? Do I have to be angry to get over it all or move on from it or is it holding me back? Is there even anything to hold me back from?

At what point does one just look at what happened around them and just decide to let it all go?

Maybe that's what boundaries are for...where you just decide that you've had enough of it all and you just put up a wall of "no thank you" and "not today Satan". You still hold onto some anger, filed away, but you're addressing it with boundaries? Yeah, I am really digging this idea - boundaries, but I don't think it's the solution. I don't want to wear any part of this skin. I've noticed over the last few months, especially where I have put some up boundaries I've found some semblance of peace. An act of letting go and moving on to what causes the anger but I'm able to deal with it removed from the situation.

Interesting...letting go.

How do you know what letting go looks like if you don't really understand where the anger stems from? I can pinpoint parts of my life that kind of bring it on but what actually created that big, spiky, red ball that just sits in the middle of my chest? That ball that just lingers there, where did it start?

When I used to facilitate a communications course, they use this exercise called, "left-hand, right-hand columns" (I know, such a clever name). It's this idea that when you've really fucked up a conversation and you want to reevaluate what went down you can use this method. You write down the conversation to the best of your ability on the right, and on the left side - you write down what you really wanted to say, the uncensored version. It gives you an opportunity to reflect on if what you said matches your feelings or intentions in the conversation. I find it can also be useful in conversation prep too, just get everything out that you actually want to say and then form your conversation opener with thought and care....or blog writing when you're stuck.

When I was re-reading this blog trying to figure out where I left off and how I wanted to finish it, the red, spiky ball that lives in the middle of my chest just grew inside and was ready to explode. I stepped away and took some time to write down the unhinged version of my anger, my left-handed column. There were no limits or fears - it was just for me, myself and I. Anything I had been holding onto just ripped into those pages. All the things I fear sharing or deep seeded guilt just came flooding to the surface - fully believing now is the time to walk away from it all. To finally shed this anger skin. Literally, leaving it on the pages...which I fully intend to burn with some San Palo wood.

Summary of those pages: I refuse to let others' expectations or perceptions of me write my inner dialogue.

I feel like I'm almost on the other side. Like, the red, spiky ball is smaller, no spikes and just a light red. I know there's more homework to change my internal dialogue. I've put the work in before, it will be nothing for me to do it again. I plan on going through (a less intensive and self-guided version) of my therapy before, thanks Magdalena for the tools. I fully believe that your brain just knows what you can handle when you can deal with it - the cycles of healing and showing up better for me (and ultimate everyone around me) just keep coming right now. I don't know what any of this looks like going forward but I do know I look forward to not being so angry anymore.