It's been close to 12,700 days since you welcomed me into the world, around 730 days since I fully welcomed you into my world and over 100 days since I've invited the world to my journey. The journey has been a long, rocky, twisty ride. We've butted heads, gone through silent phases and laughed so hard together we've cried. There was always something keeping us from being close together, like an invisible barrier than neither one of us really knew was there.
In the past 100 days we’ve shared moments together that started to break down the barrier and let us finally see each other. You’ve asked me how you could have helped me or said you wish you knew so you could have done something. The truth is, you couldn’t have done anything. This was a path I needed to walk alone, build with my own bricks along the way. But, if you look back down the path, every now and then you’ll see a brick of gold. That gold brick was placed there because you were there for me (and you may not have known it) or taught me something that helped me survive. In the road there are also silver and copper bricks that other people created and I set them into place to keep the path strong.
I don't think I fully realized or comprehended how strong the path is with these different bricks. I always thought I was building it alone, but it's true what they say - together is better. I know we've talked about this before, but you don't need to harbour any guilt for the past 34 years. I made decisions based on what I thought was right for me or there were things that happened out of our control. Know that you raised me to be a strong, independent woman - ready to face the world and whatever life challenges came my way (it may have taken me a while to get to where I needed to be at times but I have gotten there). Sometimes in life we have lessons that we have to learn and struggle through.
There are times when I have to ask for help, times I knew I didn't want to be where I was and I knew I could call you to pick me up (no questions asked) and you did. Know that by creating that space where I felt like I could go to you for safety - it meant a lot and made a difference. Sometimes though, there are things that have been engrained in me by outside influences that made the safe bubble pop. That's where the shame and fear live, that's where I felt like I had to walk alone to figure it all out.
I feel like any type of relationship is like the blind leading the blind, haha. We're all in a journey together of finding a voice we never really knew we had or adapting to a world that is constantly changing from what people share and we learn. I think we need to give ourselves grace as we enter in this new chapter as we create this new bubble. Grace because it is fragile, and promise to protect it fiercely. I feel that in the future we'll get to the relationship that we both want and the bubble will get thicker. This I am certain of. And the other thing I am certain of, my gratitude to have you and your love in my life.
All my love,
Your baby girl.