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Holy F* it Happened...

I can't believe that 2023 is tomorrow. I mean how did 2022 fly by so quickly?! I feel old when I talk about time moving so quickly - but seriously, where did it go? I'm sitting in a coffee shop, sipping an americano, with my laptop open - crossing off a joy list item I haven't gotten to yet, just reflecting on life in 2022.

The year started with a bang. I went to Bermuda to visit a friend and the motto for that trip was "just say yes". Not only was the trip amazing, but I also gained a new depth with that relationship - and I think this is the closest I've felt to her (and her family). I completely upheaved my life by saying yes to a job opportunity I never thought I'd get. It meant completely changing careers and the struggles that came with an office full of change almost had me give up and go back to what I know. But, I just continued to say yes and it made me remember why I said it in the first place. I also went to San Francisco with my family and had an unforgettable time. Not only were we creating new memories but reminiscing about old ones. Once again, creating a closer connection with people that mean the most to me.

The year closed with, what I'm calling, the last piece of my tower years. If you're into tarot you know that the tower card means upheaval, chaos, revelations - a crumbling of what you knew life to be. The end of the year has been focusing on recovering from my knee injury. There were times when I felt like everything around me was falling apart. First, second and third-guessing life choices - all centering around some kind of relationship whether it was between myself or with others. It all culminated in my last post and realizing one of the last pieces that I felt I needed to recognize and heal within me.

And now, here I sit getting ready to pick my word that I want the next year to represent, wondering if what I wanted for 2022 came true. I know that the word I had was love. To be honest, I forgot why I chose that word for the year. Most people when they think of love, think of it regarding another person or to describe something that they like a lot - like food or something. When I read my new year, new word post from last year (which wasn't too hard to find because I haven't written a lot this year) it wasn't about finding someone or something to love, it was about being in love with me. I wanted to be in love with my life. I wanted to be the love of my life.

It's hard for me to fathom that I can be the age that I am and never really knowing a time where I can say that I was in love with me or my life, In last year's post I kind of start to tell a story about when i asked my first therapist what love felt like. I wasn't too sure I have been in love with someone and I just hear from other people what they feel love to be like or how it's indescribable and you "just know". She just gave a little head tilt and said "you just know, it's not the same for everyone. People feel it and show it differently." Then she talked about how she felt about her husband and how they show it to each other. This all made sense because I was there because of relationship issues with other people. In that moment, I knew I had never been in love with someone. I mean I love people and care for them, but I don't think I've ever experiences being in love the way she tried to describe it.

Reflecting back on this past year, I can say without a doubt it finally happened. 2022 brought love into my life. I look at what is around me, people, places, experiences - and I love it. I can finally say, I'm in love - with me! It's still new and fragile. I feel selfish or sheepish about typing it and putting it out there. But, I can say for certain I finally know what it's like to be in love. I feel like this has been a missing puzzel piece for me. Ru Paul says if you can't love yourself how the hell are you going to love some body else....well, she's right. Being in love with me I feel like has made me more of a grounded person. Someone who can confidently say I know me and I know what I want. I don't want to hold onto any negative emotions towards myself or anyone anymore, I think it's easier to let go once you feel more confident or centered in yourself. I just want to apply this new found knowledge and sense of self to other parts of my life - share the love.

2022 really has been an exceptional year. I wouldn't change any part of it for anything.

This means 2023 has its work cut out for itself. I've been trying to think of a word for days! I've been scouring Instagram for some help - doing whatever screenshot to get your word for next year I could find. Nothing struck me in my feels. I got words like, wisdom - yeah gaining insight or knowledge is nice but I mean...if it's wisdom like the last few years no thanks. Transformation - umm also not thanks, I've had my tower years. I could use a break. Purpose - I like it but....not yet. Then it kind of hit me...what's the action I'm doing right now, what am I seeking? seek brilliance, a sudden creative idea, to invoke a light or spark.

It's hard to describe what this word makes me think of. It's more of a warm fuzzy feeling, centred in my core. Picture a bright yellow light, like a big ball waiting to burst. The light just radiates warmth and the more I think of it, the more it spreads throughout my body and expands beyond. I think I can't describe what it means yet because it's giving me an unknown - possibilities are endless, a sense of hope.

I can feel this word relate to my personal why statement I wrote many years ago: to find the beauty in the ugly so that others may see their brilliance and persevere. Somehow inspiration is going to show up for me and that sentence. The best part about this - no fear of the unknown! I'm having complete faith that the universe will somehow guide me this year. It just feels....right.

So cheers to 2023, my year for inspiration!



Hi, thanks for stopping by!

I think one of the greatest gifts we can give each other in the world is authenticity and vulnerability.  Something I avoided for a long time. 


So as one of my favourite people in the world, Glennon Doyle, once wrote, "be messy and complicated and not afraid to show up anyway."


Welcome to my mess.

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