Back to Basics
I hate New Year’s resolutions.
I feel like they have never worked for me, so I never make them. I didn‘t need another reason to feel bad about my self and shame myself because I didn’t accomplish some outlandish commitment I had for 12 months prior.
December 2018, I was sitting at a restaurant with a group of friends when someone asked what our word for 2019 was going to be. A word to describe the year? That was something new.
She felt the same way I do about New Year‘s resolutions, so she commits to a word that she wants the year to be described as.
So, in that moment I created a new tradition for myself. My word for 2019: inspired and my word for 2020 - movement.
Man - did my word for 2020 take on a different meaning than I intended. I intended it be more of the physical sense of movement. I had started with a personal trainer, I had plans to join a dance class and get outside more. The universe had a different plan! Movement in 2020 looked more like...dealing with all the shit I had held onto for thirty three years.
I spent the majority of 2020 more alone than usual. I mean, I live alone so I am alone but to live in a 400 square feet apartment and not be able to socialize, escape the day to day with distractions, broke something in me. Or, I should more aptly say moved me. Moved me into my thoughts more than ever, with nothing to do but recount shame, guilt, anger, sadness and pain, lots of pain. The recounting of these situations and thoughts brought me to a state where I could no longer let them be brushed under the rug.
By November I was so deep in this spiral of the past I had a taken a week off of work because my emotions were getting the better of me and I spent my time, alone, crying. During that week, I remember just sitting on the couch and staring at a show I had previously watched at least six times (it’s out of habit I just re-watch shows or movies). I can’t tell you what show it was because while I was staring at the screen my mind was blank. 2020 pushed and moved me so much I was at a point where I just couldn’t handle it and by the end of the week I realized I needed help. I could no longer do this alone.
By the time I was able to connect with a psychologist and figure out a treatment plan it was the end of December. I moved through 2020 and it was time to pick a new word for 2021. There was only one option - joy.
2021 will be a chance to find joy, a chance to get back to me, focus on healing and find...joy. One action I am taking to find joy (besides the therapy) is writing. I have always loved writing and I feel like it runs in the family. I chose to create this space to maybe spark some joy in me and those who choose to read the musings. I also created a background for my lock screen to remind me to choose joy everyday, and I gift it you in this moment.
I know this journey to find joy will take time, but I am in it for the long haul. If you're ready to buckle in beside me, sign up to be notified when musings or blogs get posted. I have some stuff planned already and it's going to be a ride. If you feel so inclined let me know your word for 2021, let’s work to keeping each other accountable to it.
See you on the path to finding joy ✌🏻 - SM