Back to Basics...Round 2
Lord have mercy...I've stared at this computer so many times over the last few months just waiting for something to happen with this blog screen. Waiting for words to magically appear. I guess this is what happens when you're happy in your life for the first time in such a long time when your blog was about all the struggle you went through. I know I've written on here before that I want to reinvent this blog to transform it to the next level, to talk about blah blah blah. Really, though what is this all for?
I struggle to find words for this space. I put so much pressure on it to be something that I don't think anyone else has expectations but myself. It makes me really think about everything. How this space has become a reflection of the years of fighting I have had to do in my personal life. How I have just been in a space of constant struggle, growth, heart ache, transformation, bottom of the barrel. Stuck in a constant motion, climbing a ladder until I reach a platform. I take a mini break on this platform to search for...I don't even know what, only to discover the thing I don't really know that I'm looking for is not there. So I get back on this ladder and repeat. Like this blog, what am I searching for? What am I collecting on each platform, what am I doing with each post? When does the struggle stop, when does the searching stop - when do I take a break, breathe...when do I find joy?
Ironic, over a year later of making this space and I am still searching for joy.
I feel like I have been pulling wool over my own eyes, that I've created this delusion that I was finding joy, when I feel like in reality I was just spinning in circles. At the end of the day all the searching, all the resurfacing and all the whatever I have been doing for the last 30 plus years has made me tired. My mind, body and soul - all so very tired. I have been resting in almost like a recovery phase. The crazy part is though, when you're in perpetual motion and you're in recovery...you're still on the hamster wheel but you just may not realize it. You've created a rut for yourself that you follow. This rut guides you in the day to day. Everything is the same, it's just all a blur passing you by. Just google Newfoundland winters, where the snow if 50 feet high on both sides - you're in the quiet of winter because you're "recovering" but you still have to go about your day to day, you can't see shit past those snow banks.
When I'm feeling really lost and in need of some guidance, I go talk to an intuitive (or in common language a psychic). This lady doesn't read your cards or tea leaves or palm, she reads your soul. She tells you what you need to hear in that moment. I see her when I need a boost, a kick in the pants - unfettered truth. She told me I need to make a joy list, I need to rediscover what makes me happy - what brings me joy....like really?!? I knew she was speaking the truth because I started sobbing. When something hits really close to home, I cry. I was also really mad in the moment, which is a good sign to me that I'm not ready to face whatever was put in front of me. I was mad because I felt like that's what I have been trying to do for the past year and some. I have a "blog" dedicated to the whole journey of finding joy - like WTF?! Haven't I gotten there yet, haven't I been living in a space of joy? So much of my life has changed in the past year plus. I mean I think I've openly expressed on these pages how much I feel like a different person. But still, I felt there was like this knife to my gut when she said I needed to stop searching for something greater than what's in front of me. Why did I keep on looking when I have built something so beautiful in front of me. I needed to take a pause and just sit in this space I have created and find joy in these moments.
I sat with this for a few days before I started to create my joy list - what things would bring me joy, when do I feel most relaxed and happy? With everything else now, I evaluated, made my list, cut things out, added, reworded and completed it - I really just Marie Kondo'd that beast:
Going to the movies: I used to LOVE going to the movie theatre. I used to spend hours in Blockbuster or HMV rummaging through the DVDs to look for something cool and different (I have a few foreign or independent films in my collection I think I need to dig up and rewatch).
Buying flowers: they make me think of my Grandma. I used to bring her flowers when I would visit, I always picked them up off the "side of the road" and we'd arrange them together in her kitchen.
Taking photos: such an old hobby for me, it brought me joy just to see things differently and capture that moment.
Spending time with people I can be relaxed around, people I can be myself around: I made a list of folks I wanted to spend more time with, people that just let me breathe and be me.
Saying yes to solo adventures: something that absolutely freaks me out! As the youngest of three, I was always surrounded by people, never had to do anything on my own - so this is something out of my comfort zone for sure....which is funny because of how independent I claim to be.
And....playing volleyball: always and forever my favourite sport.
There's a few other items but I wanted to start off with like a small list to get back into the swing of things. I wanted to find out if some of these old hobbies or joy makers would still be a space of excitement or not and a few new things. I set out immediately to make the end of this year go out with a bang and planned the heck out of my September. Football games, a ballet, concerts, a hike in Larch Valley and....volleyball.
Volleyball...it's really a love hate relationship in this moment. I haven't played in five years and back then I was playing three nights a week. Five years younger, a few *cough* pounds lighter and way more active. Warm up was going great, I felt like no time had passed. I saw faces that I haven't seen in years and it felt really good to get back onto the court. My big moment comes and I rotate in to setter position. Second hit my ankle gives out, my knee twists and four pops were heard. I found myself on the ground not being able to straighten my knee. The pain hadn't kicked in until 45 minutes later and I had to call someone to take me to emergency. Within the week of injury I had a CT scan, MRI and had a specialist appointment - turns out I tore my ACL and ripped my meniscus (not being able to straighten my leg should have been an indicator something was really wrong). At that point - I was written off work for three months.
Not even halfway through September and the Universe has literally made me sit in this space I created. I'm not really mobile, crutches are not fun. I can't really bend my knee and absolutely no pressure at the moment. I can count on one hand the number of times I've left my apartment building since my injury (thank goodness it was my left leg so I can still drive if I have to). But you know, thanks God - messaged fully received that I need to slow down. I need to take myself out of the rut, off the hamster wheel, above the snow banks - whatever you wanna call it, just sit on this platform and chill out.
Over the last four weeks it's been a good reflection/trigger of back to January 2021. The timeframe where this journey and blog all started. There's been some downs, mostly ups - my own personal roller coaster again. And, I'll get through it like I got through it the last time by writing...so, back to basics - back writing.
See you on the path to finding joy ✌🏻 - SM