Something's Afoot at the Circle K
The coolest thing about this whole process has been the feeling of change. I know that on the inside something has been shed, something has shifted, but the craziest thing to me is that people notice what I feel.
*insert the lyrics to Defying Gravity*
I had the pleasure of having a video chat the other day with a friend I haven't seen for months. I've known her for, I think we landed on, 7 years. She's someone I've always gone to advise for or a solid recharge. This one time we has a planning for a course we were facilitating together and she took one look at me and said, we can just turn off the lights for a bit while you rest. She knew I was hung over AF and just let me sit in the dark. BUT, she also knowns just when to text - she's got spidey senses like no other! She didn't know it at the time but the majority of the time we've known she each other is when I've been at my worst. The call opened with a short hello, then a long pause and finishing with the smirk she gets when you know she's got something to say that's either going to test what you just said (and we didn't say any thing yet so I knew this was the smirk that will...) or make you cry. She then remarked, "you've changed." I blamed it on the sunburn but she stopped me and said, "no, it's in your eyes." I chuckled knowing she was right.
Then she said one of the last things that I said to my therapist, "it's like the mask is gone and you can now just be you - I see you." Other people have told me that they've seen a change in me since the beginning of the year. That I seem lighter or happier or just, a good kind of, different. While I believe(d) them and knew they were right - it wasn't until I heard my own words said back to me that pushed me forward. A wave of gratitude, relief, joy, acceptance and so many other things just washed over me. It was some kind of unknown validation that I was seeking. Like, I know that people who who want the best for me now see me as the best of me.
My mind has been rethinking the conversation that followed around how I feel fresh, new and that something big is coming. When she asked me what it was, I responded with I am not too sure, but I am willing to wait. And I have realized that's the next important step - waiting.
I'm so used to rushing. Once one thing is done on "the list" I felt like I have to move onto the next thing. Constantly checking things off to feel like there's progress and there's always been this need to just make sure I keep stepping forward, moving, growing. Never this sense of acknowledgement of what was behind me and how I actually was moving forward. Just always looking ahead. I missed a lot of things that way, so this time I'm choosing to hang out in this feel of new fire, of change, of this indescribable space of something is coming. When I told her that I was just going to sit here and hang out, I described it as sitting on the curb with a slurpee and a bag of chips watching the world go by as I relax into this new state of being. She dubbed this moment as "something is a foot at the Circle K". And I just get the best visual of hanging out with my good Judies (the ride or dies), laughing, dancing, singing - just having one hell of a time together.
I think it's important to actually sit in a moment and be present - to take it all in and just acknowledge the journey that you've been on. This may sound a little cliché, but maybe some of you need to hear it and now is the time it'll come through: if you are just starting a journey, celebrate the times you get out of bed, or change out of lounge wear or brush your teeth. On days when I would move from my bed to the couch I thought of it as progress. Days when I made a meal or put mascara on I thought of it as progress. I made a mental effort those days to tell myself these were good things and that I was proud of myself for making that delicious meal. That the choices you've made to get to where you are have been really fuckin' tough and you made it! It's an opportunity to recharge, gain your sea leg back and most importantly celebrate! Pop the bubbles, eat that cake - get it gurl!
I know I'll get off the curb eventually, move onto the next item on "the list". But right now I'm going to make an effort to look back at that girl who chose to move from the bed to the couch - thank her for that effort. Hang out in this moment and do a little dance because I friggin' earned it!!